So, tonight, since I sadly have nothing better to do with my Friday night, I decided to come up with something fun to do for a blog. I got on Chatroulette, and to every person I said, "Tell me something random." For those of you who don't know what Chatroulette is, it's an online video chat that generates random people for you to talk to. I know video chat is kind of sketchy, but Chatroulette is pretty harmless. If you don't want to talk to someone, you just hit "next" and it will generate a new person for you. Most of the people that I encountered just hit the "next" button. I'm not upset about that. Besides the overwhelming amount of nakedness, most of the people were actually pretty normal. Damnit. I'm going to go ahead and rate my top 11 responses that I received.
NUMBER 11:
"ASL." I had to Google this because I received this response TWELVE TIMES in 30 minutes. It means "Age, Sex, Location." First of all, you're creepy. Second of all, this is a video chat. You can clearly see that I am a male. Third, THIS IS A VIDEO CHAT. WHY ARE YOU TYPING THINGS TO ME. I asked you to tell me something random, and you replied with "Age, Sex, Location??" You're disgusting. I'm not telling you where I am. You need to just go watch some porn or something.
NUMBER 10:
Number 10 goes out to all of the slightly less creative minds that I spoke to. Their responses are as follows: "I like mudkip." "Papaya." "I'm a purple man." "Potatoes and horses." "Unicorns." "I like pie." "Pie is amazing and makes me jizz in my pants." "Pie is good." "I love pumpkin pie." And ironically enough, someone was playing the song "Cherry Pie" by Warrant, and lip-syncing to it. I'm not sure what the obsession with pie was tonight, but it made me slightly hungry. All of these people left me pretty disappointed with their answers. I have nothing more to say about them.
NUMBER 9:
"I want some naughty chat. Do you like?" Said the shirtless man with his headphones in. NO. NO I DON'T LIKE YOU LITTLE WEIRDO. YOU NEED FRIENDS. I had to go take a shower after that one.
NUMBER 8:
"Mmmmm. I like you." Oh, golly. Ya makin' me blush! Except you have crazy snake eyes and you make me uncomfortable. NEXT.
NUMBER 7:
"Green fireworks contain copper." Well, that was indeed random, and possibly true as well? (I'm no chemist). This was the first response I got that didn't make me shutter, so that was a plus. But it wasn't really all that entertaining.
NUMBER 6:
"Umm. I have a magical unicorn that barfs glitter." I responded, "Where can I get one of those?" He responded, without skipping a beat, "At Wal-mart. Next to the peanut butter." It was a strange response, but it was creative, which was what I was going for. I just don't understand why it had to barf glitter. Puke is disgusting.
NUMBER 5:
"You are beautiful." I have nothing witty or sarcastic to say about this one. This person seemed to have a very kind heart and it made me smile.
NUMBER 4:
"Hi. Are you a female into mixed wrestling or dominating and overpowering a guy?" 'SCUSE MOI? Do I look like a woman to you?? And do I look like I could dominate/overpower a guy to you?? I can barely dominate a large sub from Quiznos on a good day. You, sir, need to man up and go ask a girl out in person. This is not middle school.
NUMBER 3:
"Don't kill time. Time is a good thing." I thought this was slightly inspirational--until I saw the lipstick on her teeth. Maybe she shouldn't have killed so much time this morning while she was getting ready.
NUMBER 2:
"The space between your eyebrows is called your glabella." I feel bad because I laughed in this person's face right after they told me that. Why? Because they had a bit of a unibrow. Flaunt that glabella, bro. It just wants to breathe.
NUMBER 1:
"The Argentine lake duck has a penis as long as its body." The weird thing about this one was that they didn't even hesitate with this fact after I asked them for something random. THey also said it with a completely straight face. And then they immediately hit "next." I was in shock for about 30 seconds because I had no clue what had just happened. When I came out of my coma, I realized that that was exactly the type of response I was looking for. It was true, creative, funny, and random. I laughed for a while after this one finally sank in. I'm glad there are people out there with a good sense of humor.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Noise Complaints: Part 2
"Hello, my name is _______. I would like to register a nosie complaint for the room above me. They are stomping around and it's 12:15am. Can you send someone up there to ask them to stop?" So, what you're saying is, you would like me to call the RA on duty, who is most likely asleep, to come all the way over the room above you and ask them to stop stomping around when it isn't even affecting them at all? Here's an idea, since you're now awake anyway, how about you be an adult and walk your lazy ass up the one flight of stairs and kindly ask your neighbors to stop. Chances are, they don't even realize that they are being that loud. WE LIVE IN RESIDENCE HALLS. Walls are thin. You need to develop a tolerance to some amounts of noise. Here are some other options for you: buy a fan, turn on some music or your TV, move out, (I prefer the third option). These people seriously need to learn to start taking care of things for themselves, or else the real world is going to swallow them whole. You will not have RAs to take care of your light work in a couple of years.
"Umm, yeah. It's 3am and the people above me are moving furniture around. Ain't nobody got time for that. You need to send someone up there to tell them to stop." First of all, let me take a moment to regain my composure, because your abrupt command damn near knocked me out of this chair. I NEED to send someone up there? Here's what you NEED to do. You NEED to take a Xanax and GET OVER IT. Second of all, I know you did not just quote Sweet Brown over the phone to me at 3am. "Ain't nobody got time for that?" You know what I don't have time for? Residents demanding me to do things that they can easily take care of themselves. I hope you are wearing your big boy pants tonight, because it's 3am, and I happen to be wearing my sassy pants tonight. Next person calling with a noise complaint is getting hung up on. I don't feel sorry for you.
On a completely unrelated note, here's a video of me singing and playing the ukulele! It's the first time I've recorded myself singing and whatnot, so hopefully you like it. If you don't, then I feel sorry for you. Apologies for some pitchy-ness in a couple spots. WHOOPS.
"Umm, yeah. It's 3am and the people above me are moving furniture around. Ain't nobody got time for that. You need to send someone up there to tell them to stop." First of all, let me take a moment to regain my composure, because your abrupt command damn near knocked me out of this chair. I NEED to send someone up there? Here's what you NEED to do. You NEED to take a Xanax and GET OVER IT. Second of all, I know you did not just quote Sweet Brown over the phone to me at 3am. "Ain't nobody got time for that?" You know what I don't have time for? Residents demanding me to do things that they can easily take care of themselves. I hope you are wearing your big boy pants tonight, because it's 3am, and I happen to be wearing my sassy pants tonight. Next person calling with a noise complaint is getting hung up on. I don't feel sorry for you.
On a completely unrelated note, here's a video of me singing and playing the ukulele! It's the first time I've recorded myself singing and whatnot, so hopefully you like it. If you don't, then I feel sorry for you. Apologies for some pitchy-ness in a couple spots. WHOOPS.
On an even more unrelated note, I fell off the wagon tonight and re-activated my Netflix account. I was moist as a snack cake when I saw that Season 3 of Glee AND Season 8 of Grey's Anatomy were on there. I just couldn't resist.
SEE YA NEVER.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
YOU SHALL NOT PASS: Unless of course, you just go through it anyway.
Earlier today, I originally planned on blogging about every Missouri Western student's FAVORITE annual event: Convocation on Critical Issues, and how guest speaker, energy tycoon T. Boone Pickens' presentation was ended by a power outage, (I can't get over the irony). Instead, after the events of today, I decided to blog about my duty weekend. This has been the easiest duty weekend I have probably ever had thus far, (knock on wood). Despite the lack of incidents with my residents, I have still managed to have two circumstances tonight that have given me one of the largest headaches I think I have ever experienced. Earlier today, probably around 7pm, I heard a knock at my door. I sat for about 20 seconds contemplating whether I was even going to answer it or not. I reluctantly got up and opened the door, where a resident informed me that someone had gone out the emergency exit door and the alarm was going off. I begrudgingly grabbed my keys and went to the office to get the key to turn the alarm off. As I approached the hallway, several residents were starting to peek out into the hallway to see if there was a fire, shooter, bomb, troll in the dungeon, etc. Some of them even asked me if they needed to evacuate. The closer I got to the end of the hallway, the quicker I found out that the alarm on this door was louder than the sound system for a southeast Asian wedding party. After I got the alarm turned off and my residents quit asking me what happened, I could barely even move because my head hurt so badly. That sucker was LOUD. I went back to my room to watch the Nebraska game, which, by the way, is not helping with the headache situation. I sat here wondering what possessed someone to go out the door on the side of the building which clearly states that it is an EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY, and that an ALARM WILL SOUND if it is opened. Peoples' disregard for these postings just astounds me.
Around 9pm I went to do another round. Everything was pretty quiet around the building. I picked up some trash, as usual. I talked to a few residents, as usual. I crop-dusted every hallway to let the residents know what I really think about them, as usual. I then returned to the lobby to find EVERY Missouri Western resident's FAVORITE University Police Officer, Travis Fulton. (I really hope you guys are picking up on my sarcasm here. Otherwise, we might have some problems). I quickly asked Officer Fulton what the hell he was doing in my building. Can I get a drum roll, please? SOMEONE RAN OVER THE PARKING GATE, AGAIN. This is the second time in THREE DAYS. Now, I understand some of you don't understand how big of a deal this is, because you may not go to school here, or you may not be on staff in the Residence Halls, so I'll go ahead an clear this up for you. THIS IS A RECURRING PROBLEM. Our LOVELY Griffon Hall residents do this thing where, if they don't have their gate key, that they just BREAK IT DOWN like Busta Rhymes in his verse of "Look At Me Now." So, then, Fulton and myself began looking at the security cameras in the parking lot to find the dumbass. After about an hour or so, we identified the vehicle. So, with that said, this next comment is directed at the idiot who thinks they are driving an army tank, YOU'RE CAUGHT. Enjoy paying for the gate and your two tickets.
Today's rant is brought to you by: Pet Safe Invisible Fence--Keeping dogs, (and residents) out of places they shouldn't be, since 1973.
Around 9pm I went to do another round. Everything was pretty quiet around the building. I picked up some trash, as usual. I talked to a few residents, as usual. I crop-dusted every hallway to let the residents know what I really think about them, as usual. I then returned to the lobby to find EVERY Missouri Western resident's FAVORITE University Police Officer, Travis Fulton. (I really hope you guys are picking up on my sarcasm here. Otherwise, we might have some problems). I quickly asked Officer Fulton what the hell he was doing in my building. Can I get a drum roll, please? SOMEONE RAN OVER THE PARKING GATE, AGAIN. This is the second time in THREE DAYS. Now, I understand some of you don't understand how big of a deal this is, because you may not go to school here, or you may not be on staff in the Residence Halls, so I'll go ahead an clear this up for you. THIS IS A RECURRING PROBLEM. Our LOVELY Griffon Hall residents do this thing where, if they don't have their gate key, that they just BREAK IT DOWN like Busta Rhymes in his verse of "Look At Me Now." So, then, Fulton and myself began looking at the security cameras in the parking lot to find the dumbass. After about an hour or so, we identified the vehicle. So, with that said, this next comment is directed at the idiot who thinks they are driving an army tank, YOU'RE CAUGHT. Enjoy paying for the gate and your two tickets.
Today's rant is brought to you by: Pet Safe Invisible Fence--Keeping dogs, (and residents) out of places they shouldn't be, since 1973.
Opening Remarks and a Rant on Noise Complaints
This is my first blog that I have ever written. There's a reason for that. I feel stupid pouring my thoughts out onto the internet for strangers, friends, and family to indulge in. Then I remembered how much I tweet and update my Facebook status. Please don't expect this to be like any other stereotypical gay blog. (If you didn't know I was gay, this probably got really awkward for you really fast.) There will be no discussions about fashion, celebrities, or the latest episode of Sex and the City--although you will probably hear quite a bit about Glee. I will not apologize for that. I will mainly be bitching about my job as an R.A., and hopefully be providing you with funny little anecdotes from experiences with my residents, and quite possibly with my co-workers as well. Please don't correct my grammar; this is not the Wall Street Journal, and I haven't taken an English class in two years. Also, I cuss. I will not apologize for that either. Alright, so, let's get down to business. (Brief pause to let you finish the Mulan song in your head, or if you are brave enough, out loud).
So, there is this little thing in the world of R.A.-dom called a "noise complaint." It is by far my least favorite call to get while I am on duty, followed closely by lock-outs. The reason I hate noise complaints so much is because I should not be having to deal with them in the first place. There are always so many opportunities for the noise complaints to be taken care of before they need to get to me, yet they will 100% of the time trickle down to the R.A. on duty. First of all, we are all living on a college campus. This means we all know how to read. (Yes, I know I attend an open enrollment university, and I shouldn't just assume these things. I guess I just have to much faith in people). I digress. Assuming all of my residents can read, I can also assume that they have read the signs all over the hallways stating when quiet hours begin and end. Alas, our residents don't think that certain rules apply to them. This leads to the start of the noise complaint. Now, for there to be a noise complaint, there has to be someone that the noise is bothering. I understand that your neighbor's music is too loud and that is affecting your sleep or your study time. What I don't understand is why you can't walk your lazy ass next door and ask them to turn their music down yourself. Instead, they have to call in the third party, the R.A. on duty, to come all the way upstairs at 2 a.m. to ask the person to turn the shit off. Then, my absolute favorite is when the noisy residents decide to start giving me attitude for always bothering them about their music. Reasons I am now upset: 1. It's a noise complaint, 2: It's 2 a.m., 3. You're giving me all sorts of fever because you can't stand to listen to "Call Me Maybe" on anything less than the "blow your hair back" setting on your stereo. Oh, ok. I'll remember that.
Before I go to bed, (since it's 3 a.m. and I am on duty right now,) I would like to talk about what I call the "Phantom Noise Complaint." I just responded to two of these not even 5 minutes ago. This is when the desk worker calls you and says there is a noise complaint for a specific room or area, and you go check it out, and you don't hear a single damn thing coming from any room. Now, if I go up to your hallway and can't hear any noise, then THERE IS NO NOISE. If you would like to go all Sherlock Holmes on the joint and launch an investigation into finding the source of the noise, by all means, figure it out and let me know what you find, but I refuse to go seek out a noise that, in my mind, doesn't exist.
I apologize if this post was a little dry, or not very entertaining. It's my first go at this. It is also past 3 a.m. and I am having trouble even forming complete ideas at this point. I wish I had time to tell you all about the ridiculous things that have happened to me on the job so far this semester, but I'm about to fall asleep right here on my keyboard. If you made it through this entire post, then congratulations, and thank you for reading.
Until next time,
D-Rock
So, there is this little thing in the world of R.A.-dom called a "noise complaint." It is by far my least favorite call to get while I am on duty, followed closely by lock-outs. The reason I hate noise complaints so much is because I should not be having to deal with them in the first place. There are always so many opportunities for the noise complaints to be taken care of before they need to get to me, yet they will 100% of the time trickle down to the R.A. on duty. First of all, we are all living on a college campus. This means we all know how to read. (Yes, I know I attend an open enrollment university, and I shouldn't just assume these things. I guess I just have to much faith in people). I digress. Assuming all of my residents can read, I can also assume that they have read the signs all over the hallways stating when quiet hours begin and end. Alas, our residents don't think that certain rules apply to them. This leads to the start of the noise complaint. Now, for there to be a noise complaint, there has to be someone that the noise is bothering. I understand that your neighbor's music is too loud and that is affecting your sleep or your study time. What I don't understand is why you can't walk your lazy ass next door and ask them to turn their music down yourself. Instead, they have to call in the third party, the R.A. on duty, to come all the way upstairs at 2 a.m. to ask the person to turn the shit off. Then, my absolute favorite is when the noisy residents decide to start giving me attitude for always bothering them about their music. Reasons I am now upset: 1. It's a noise complaint, 2: It's 2 a.m., 3. You're giving me all sorts of fever because you can't stand to listen to "Call Me Maybe" on anything less than the "blow your hair back" setting on your stereo. Oh, ok. I'll remember that.
Before I go to bed, (since it's 3 a.m. and I am on duty right now,) I would like to talk about what I call the "Phantom Noise Complaint." I just responded to two of these not even 5 minutes ago. This is when the desk worker calls you and says there is a noise complaint for a specific room or area, and you go check it out, and you don't hear a single damn thing coming from any room. Now, if I go up to your hallway and can't hear any noise, then THERE IS NO NOISE. If you would like to go all Sherlock Holmes on the joint and launch an investigation into finding the source of the noise, by all means, figure it out and let me know what you find, but I refuse to go seek out a noise that, in my mind, doesn't exist.
I apologize if this post was a little dry, or not very entertaining. It's my first go at this. It is also past 3 a.m. and I am having trouble even forming complete ideas at this point. I wish I had time to tell you all about the ridiculous things that have happened to me on the job so far this semester, but I'm about to fall asleep right here on my keyboard. If you made it through this entire post, then congratulations, and thank you for reading.
Until next time,
D-Rock
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